Friday 20 March 2009
A Lesson Learned...
I learnt a valuable lesson on a date a few weeks ago. In fact I learnt several.I shall save the biggest lesson of all until last, and I hope you heed my warning. But firstly let me tell you this – if you are ever in a position where you go on a “blind date”, don’t try to be something you’re not. I met up with a girl, whose face I had seen but whose voice I had not heard, and I soon realized she was rather posh. Now I don’t have a problem with this, but for some reason I made the conscious decision that a lady that rides horses and has a plumy accent probably wouldn’t be impressed with a man from East London whose tipple of choice was beer – Hoegaarden to be exact. No, for this date I would resist the urge to drink lager, and instead indulge in gin. LOTS OF GIN. That would make me look right classy, wouldn’t it? Or would it…?
LESSON NUMBER ONE – DRINK SLOWLY, AND DRINK WHAT YOU LIKE THE MOST
Now don’t get me wrong. I like gin. I like it a lot. But when you are on a date with a girl you have never met and you need to calm your nerves, you tend to drink quicker than usual. Or at least I do. And when I drink gin quickly, it appears to send me a bit nuts. I know this now. I consider myself a happy drunk. In fact, the more I drink, the more silly I get. I dance, I laugh, I have a good time. And on this date, I was to get particularly silly… All thanks to gin.
LESSON NUMBER TWO – DO NOT TICKLE ON A FIRST DATE
So as this posh horsewoman slowly swilled her glass of white wine, I threw back gin like it was mineral water. The conversation flowed, as did the booze. We were getting on really quite well. And then I did something. Something to fill one of those rare awkward silences, and throughout the night they were extremely rare. I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine. We exchanged smiles. And then I reached out… and I tickled her chin. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know if it was the gin, the nerves or the fact she had a reasonably nice chin, but I had the urge to tickle it, and so I did just that. Working in TV, my assistant producer and I regularly indulge in chin tickling – it’s just something that’s developed over the months. A quirky pastime if you will. There’s no reason for it, it’s just something we do. It’s funny. But this posh, upper class horsey lady looked a little put out, and I instantly regretted my actions. Nevertheless, the evening continued on an upward spiral despite my curious move, and as we left the pub to head to a cocktail bar, rather surprisingly, she took my hand in hers and we walked to the next watering hole.
LESSON NUMBER THREE – KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE
And it was in this cocktail bar that I truly “jumped the shark”. The copious amounts of gin had obviously given me a skewed view of the evening’s events, and I thought I had met a woman that would appreciate what is deemed in today’s climate as a “politically incorrect” joke.
A joke I had been told on a friend’s stag night, which despite its controversial subject matter, I had found extremely funny. I tend to say what’s on my mind at the best of times, and with us having shared numerous witty exchanges prior to the chin tickling incident, I figured I could get her back on board with this killer joke that had put me in stitches weeks earlier. I assumed she would laugh, touch me on the knee and call me a comedy genius. I thought she would lean over and kiss me as reward for my hilarious aside. She’d already held my hand, so clearly I was in a pretty good position, right? This could be the joke that leads to 2nd, 3rd or even 4th base (how many “bases” are there by the way? Answers on a postcard please). But wait, I thought. I can’t just say a joke out of the blue. This is not a stand up gig, and I am not a comedian. So how do I shoehorn in this sure-fire woman winning yarn without it seeming such a sharp conversation change?
Here’s how…
ME: So… What’s the rudest joke you have ever heard?
POSH WOMAN: (Long pause)… I… I don’t know.
ME: Come on. You must know one.
POSH WOMAN: Erm… (Long pause)… I don’t think I do.
(LONG PAUSE)
ME: I know one… Wanna hear it?
POSH WOMAN: (Long pause) Erm… Oh… kay…
YES! GADZOOKS! I had engineered an opportunity to tell a bad joke on a first date, a joke I thought was hilarious, a sure fire winner. A joke about, and please don’t judge me on this… rape.
I know what you’re thinking…
Looking back, I know this was perhaps not the best joke to tell. Looking back, I know that to follow up a random chin tickle with a joke about rape was a touch inappropriate. But it happened. And in my defence, I’d road-tested the very same joke on friends of the opposite sex previously, and they too had laughed. Some had sighed in resignation too, but even they accepted it was funny. But not posh woman, oh no. She really didn’t like it.
LESSON NUMBER FOUR – THE BIGGEST LESSON OF ALL – JOKES ABOUT RAPE ARE NOT FUNNY
Or are they? Let yourself be the judge.
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
A: Gang rape.
Suffice to say, we never saw each other again, and no - I didn’t even make FIRST base…
